The Zyban Chronicles (Day #22 to #32)
Today is my quit date. I have actually been planning it and talking about it as a real quit date. I even went to the dentist for a cleaning to prepare my teeth, which don’t show any nicotine stains, but it was a gesture to good breath at least. Last night I went out for a drink and finished up a pack with 5 left. I think smoked, ashamed, as I am, the few smokes I’d put out at home that were only half gone. This was sort of a panic to get it in while I could. Not smart, since it builds up the desire, but done.
I’m nervous about quitting today. Sometime feels like it’s missing already, something that I need to help me cope with the world. Thus a feeling of vulnerability lurks. A tool is gone. I have a new tool, Zyban, but it is a band-aid that will have to be taken off sometime. Thus what really is happening is that a new chapter is starting, a chapter that is a sequel to an earlier one that ended when I started smoking at 18 in college.
Now that I write that I feel as though I’m going back to being 18 in a way, while at the same time growing up and letting go of any glamour or rebellion that smoking may have left. Not there’s much in today’s United States. Smoking really is getting more uncool every day. Or maybe I’m just saying that since I’m quitting…or maybe it was never really cool…
So there we go. I’m going back to 18-year-old lungs and life without nicotine hits to help ease the weight of the world. And I’m going forward for the next 18 with a more solid health plan.